There's another soul amongst the living. Kaitlyn arrived last week.
She's a beauty. I'm trying to figure this out: Her dad is my nephew. What does that make Kaitlyn to me, relationally speaking?
Anyway, for her parents - David and Erin - a few things to think about, if and when they have the time to think. This is their first child, and from what I heard from Gramma Jo (my sister), they didn't have an easy time of it. But then, it's never easy, is it?
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Kids, I'll make this quick, just hit a few highlights - you have plenty of stuff to do.
In essence, you now must put yourselves aside and become a team.
You have important things to tend to. Your first responsibility now is to your daughter. Lots has happened, much of it has been trying, and perhaps you each didn't live up to the other's expectations; however, if you two hold grudges for the purely normal behaviors that come from the other, Kaitlyn will have a rotten life. As she has no power over what kind of life you choose to give her, and since you two brought her here, that means you have the responsibility to set aside anything you once thought of as a "right". Most of those "rights" are now either privileges, or daydreams.
Erin, your David - like any new father - had, and has, no idea what you're experiencing. He can't. He isn't like you. Don't make the mistake of expecting him to be all things to you. In learning how to be a mother, you need Kaitlyn's grandmothers - not only for pointers and advice, but for the support of women who have been there. David can't teach you how to be a mom. Don't demand that he do so; and for heaven's sake, don't punish him because he can't.
The three potentially most annoying types of females out there are brides, former smokers, and brand-new mothers. All three of those types of girls feel a skewed sense of entitlement. Yes, you are entitled to certain things from David - but as magnificient as Kaitlyn is, and as difficult as it was to get her here, you didn't perform a function that wins you some kind of Perfect Princess crown: You gave birth. And you did a great job. You now have to be a woman about it. You have to grow out of being a girl.
David, you're the anchor now. Although there are certain things you have a right to expect (and even better things you can earn through your behaviors), any semblance of your former life is not on that list.
Don't expect that Erin has some kind of obligation to condone irresponsibility on your part. Actually, her obligation to Kaitlyn is the same as yours: Provide that child with a stable home and family. Would you really want the mother of your child to have no problem with anything that threatens that? And please, don't be the single most annoying type of male, the kind who goes around avoiding his responsibilities, and whining, "My wife is so controlling" - just because Erin needs you to be a responsible and dependable husband to her, and father to your child. Remember this: The realities that now obligate you to a life as an adult, and the difficulties that arise within the fact of your lives progressing, are not Erin's fault. Those obligations and inconveniences are called "life". She didn't create any of the issues you'll be experiencing, nor did she invent the sacrifices that both of you will make. Those things are part of what you signed onto when you married and decided to have a child. Your restlessness, or boredom, or sense of entitlement to a good time (or decent sleep, or anything at all that's only for you), is something you have to deal with - Erin and Kaitlyn shouldn't have to. Your job to take care of them.
To sum it up: You're just starting out. Do it right. If you two blame each other for the struggles ahead - if you demand that you retain self-serving rights that the other must honor and fulfill - then you'll either divorce, or look back and wish you had. But you guys are smart, and you're tough, and you'll work it out together and find your own way in your own time. The family you now have, the three of you - there's a long road ahead of you. Seek direction from those who walked it before you.
Congratulations, all around. Do good, kids.
(Hey Gramma Jo, call me.)
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Questions? Comments? Send them to:
talkreallife@yahoo.com [1]